I hate to bring a negative feel to my blog but I'm struggling at the minute and I really just need a place to get my thoughts out of my head in an attempt to understand them a little better. If this isn't something you want to read and the content will be a bit of a downer to you, then by all means this isn't going to be the post for you and please click off, I'm not here to spread sadness but like I say I just need somewhere to try and comprehend certain things.
I'm 23 years old and have only experienced the death of a loved one once before today, and it really doesn't get any easier with age. I was 16 when I lost my Grandad, and personally, my grief then was more of a selfish kind of greif, I was so upset and heartbroken I went into my own little bubble, locking myself away for days on end until that feeling of sickness in the bottom of my stomach had left me and the realisation I'd never see him again wasn't so painful, only then could I face my Mum and appreciate how completely devastated she was.
The lady who passed away on Saturday night was a co-worker of mine at my old place of work, and I knew her for around 3 and half years. She was such a feisty, confident woman who only ever had my best interests at heart and I had so much respect for how loving and caring she was. She suffered a sudden asthma attack a week ago and with attempts at reviving her failing, she was put into a coma, until Saturday when the doctors said she was never going to wake up and it was only the machines keeping her alive, her family had to make the painful decision to say their goodbyes and turn her life support off. I can't even begin to imagine ever having to make that decision, regardless of what the doctors said I'd constantly live with the hope that they'd pull through.
She was happily married and her and her husband were like the same person at times there was so much love between them, he'd pick her up from work without fail every night and off they'd go and spend their evenings together. I can't stand the thought that he's on his own now, the woman he had made a life with has gone now and he's alone. I don't know how I'd cope if that was me, loosing Steve would just destroy me, and I think as sad as I am that she's no longer with us, it's the thought that the world does carry on without her, and everyone she loved is left trying to deal with it and having to carry on. Death isn't just the end of a life it's the beginning of such a painful grieving process. It's the thought that as heart breaking it is that she's not around anymore, her family are feeling sadness I can't even comprehend, and it's unavoidable. It's apart of life I don't want to have to be apart of.
It's times like these where being a religious person would probably 'ease' the upset a little I suppose, if you believe that you'd meet the one you'd love again soon, it's not an end its just a temporary parting of two people. I guess I can see the appeal in that, whereas I don't have that faith, for me, when it's over it's over, a harsher reality I suppose. I just hope her loved ones find comfort in which ever way ensures they remember her for her feisty nature and her complete devotion and passion for her family.
I feel like I'm writing for the sake of writing and my heads all over the place so I'm not really writing anything about anything either. I should probably go and get some sleep. I have alot of things I wanted to say that I don't know how to write, and I've said thing's that probably make me sound like a total child but sometimes you just need to vent I suppose.
Hmm, sorry for the depressing post, I'll probably delete this in the morning when I've slept this off a little.
Night night <3
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